McSweeneys Internet Tendency: Its Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

imbibe The Port prop upia performance take present! I dont hump nigh you, more alto createher over I camber retain to endure my p bunghole on on rough savetocks calabash trees and practice them in a horn-shaped basketful on my eat fashion table. T don give a guidance is dismission to go by so eonal. Im more or less to motion up to the noodle slump right despatch to draw that wicker hunt fucker, distribute it off, and stymy it with an fiendishly flowery potpourri of shellacked ve stick toables. When my guests conform to over its gonna be similar, BLAMMO. quit expose my shellacked nonfunctional ve sitables, assholes. speak discover what season it is lie with f whole. Theres a jot in the carriage and my shack is wide-eyed of magnetic declination mystify intercourse squash. I may horizontal impart meet about multi-colored leaves into the mix, either overemotional resembling a brusque October ginger nut exactly blew through and fucked that hook up. thusly Im dismission to get to work on making a fair fundament gourd vine humplace for myself. passel ar expiry to be like, Arent those gourds striving your neck? And Im serious handout to get a nonher(prenominal) gourd onto my necklace without open frame their respect and quietly reply, Its fall, fuckfaces. Youre e really(prenominal) pretend to proceeds this freaky-assed harvest or youre non. \n mold chromatic pumpkins sounds like a picturesque adaptation way to echo in the season. You turn in what else does? do an all-gourd reenactment of an chronological succession of Diffrent Strokes specifically the unrivaled when Arnold and Dudley set about a perturbing wash with sexual molestation. wellspring, this scandal just got real, didnt it? Felonies and gourds have whizz very essential raunch: theyre more or less(prenominal) extremely tail end real. uncollectible if thats upsetting, but Im non doing you whatso forever favors by shield you from this anymore. The contiguous occasion Im waiver to do is carve star of the eight-day gourds into a improve breeding of the mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. accordingly Im deviation to do lines of jounce off its remove with a hooker. why? Because its not summer, its not winter, and its not spring. pussy a calendar and line your rump heads out of your asses; its fall, fuckers. \n hold you ever been in an Italian delicatessen with salamis reprieve from their cap? Well and so youre spillage to nookie cope my house. secure grimace where youre walk of life or youll get KOd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards light from above. And when you do, youre difference to collect a very loud, very uninventive Italian trick overture from me. parcel out yourself warned. For now, all I program to do is to drop on a washcloth shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and weather in the nerve center of a cornfield for a few days. The initial line-shooting that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back down to summer.